Gemini Blue

I’ve been struggling with my health for weeks and it seems to be getting worse; my ability to explain it is slowly leaking away.  I’ve been trying to come up with an analogy of what my brain feels like. Sometimes, the words come out garbled, even reading a line of text, and I’m so distracted that if I don’t watch out I’m off on another topic entirely.

How does one describe having no energy but yet not being tired? Feeling “wrong” but not feeling sick? Especially when one’s brain is the problem in the first place and expected to do that thinking.

What I do know is that the internal feelings seems eerily connected and similar to the external symptoms that my son has struggled with for years. I find myself not wanting to get off the couch and attend to basic things, and wonder if that is what he feels like. I reach for thoughts that are no longer there and try to force out words that slip away like eels or change into the wrong words, and I recall all the times where at his worst, he wouldn’t even speak. A song with static plays while I try to read text, and I want to scream from the chaos.   I recall his reaction to me talking too much - he screams at me to shut up.  I’m 40, though, so I don’t.

The best I have come up with is the feeling of driving on icy roads. At first, the snow fell gently and lightly; it got in the way of my thinking but I could brush it aside, and normal operations of my brain felt like driving on soft snow that fell on dry ground. There is a surreal feeling; things aren’t quite the way I’m used to, but it’s fine, even pretty. In fact I’ve taken substances that make me feel this way, only this time I’ve not had anything to drink and yet feel a bit as if I have. Like driving on snow, everything works, you just take it a bit slower and try to enjoy the scenery. Most of the time, my mental road all feels fine and working. Then I put on the brake and for a second it just doesn’t do anything. I think, “I did put on the brake, right?” and then suddenly I feel myself slowing, back in control, wondering if anything unusual actually happened. When driving on snow, you pay more attention - slowly you realize all the times where the tires slip, just a little, but you don’t know for sure. Maybe it is your imagination…it feels fine right now.

Lately, though the mental roads are getting icy and slick. At times my brain can’t hold a thought from the sink to the fridge. Oh, I’m used to this - but usually it’s because I am driving too fast. I’m thinking of 10 things, and what to put in my tea is lowest of the list and so it takes a while for the gears to click in and bring it to the surface. But when my only task in the moment is making tea, I don’t expect black ice between the sink and the fridge. My coordination is off, and I need a wider road during those times. I reach for something and my hands don’t quite land where I put them. I look at the writing on my three out of four vials of spit for the lab test, and I see the writing decline over the course of the day. Yet, still, I tell myself it’s not a big deal - I probably just rested that one with the pretty handwriting on the table. Until I try that with the fourth, and am shaken when my name comes out stilted and jumpy.

I live in Colorado and the weather here varies not just from month to month, but from day to day and hour to hour. I should be used to this but I’m tired of having Colorado weather in my head. Earlier this week, my mental roads were very snowpacked and icy, and I was starting to panic. I laid down to read, and fell asleep. Though it took me an hour to clear the sleep from my head, I then had 5 hours of perfect clarity - exactly like a typical Colorado winter day once the snow has started to melt because the sun has come out. Then after a stressful situation, I could feel the snow in my head start to fall, like a blanket, obscuring everything I was trying to think about and even making my hands slippery and awkward on the keyboard.

Today has dawned sunny and bright, but with high winds - both literally and figuratively. The clouds on the horizon are fuzzy and tenuous, but the clouds in my head are starting to billow and threaten. It will be interesting to see what weather the future brings.

I wrote this for a group that we’re meeting in OH, and thought I would share it here.  Please let me know any thoughts on how to improve this

I thought I would share my process to find a good hotel, which for the most part I’ve had good luck with.

Once I find an area that people recommended or that I had researched, I look it up in google maps, and then type “hotels” in the “search” or “search nearby…” boxes.  Then I look at the reviews in the popup for each of entries on the first 1-2 pages (by clicking on the name in the list).     You have to take the review ratings with a bit of a grain of salt.  People are rating the hotel based on what *they* paid - so often more expensive places will get worse reviews than they would merit for the price you might find, or vice versa.   Plus one negative score can pull the average way down for a silly complaint, or there can be out of date reviews.  (E.g., reviews from 2005 complaining about renovation noise or dirty/old furnishings when the hotel has been renovated since and later reviews are great).    So I actually read the reviews of each place.  Despite all this, the reviews mainly are very helpful and spot-on.

Finally once I have narrowed it down to a few, I pop the names of places I am considering into TripAdvisor and have it check all the online reservation systems (Orbitz, Expedia, Travelocity, etc) for the best rates, which vary greatly by service.   Don’t just look at the nightly rate - look at the final rate.  The trick is that each service adds in it’s own search fee into the “Taxes and Fees” category (they don’t break it out, but you can see the difference when you compare two that have the same “nightly rate” but different total cost listings).

Note that sometimes (esp midrange hotels, I found) the best rate will be from the hotel’s direct website if they have one, because they don’t usually add internet booking fees.  I believe it used to be that the internet services were cheaper, but I’m guessing that now the hotels themselves want to be competitive so they have online booking as well.  Also, it’s well worth looking at the hotel’s site for package deals.  For $10 more/night, I got the full breakfast buffet for our family.

Lastly, be sure to look at whether it is non-refundable.  It is usually a huge difference in price between non-refundable and standard (e.g., $79/night vs. $119 or $129/night), because you pay the entire cost up front and can’t change it.  Given the possibility of weather issues in the winter, when I found two hotels that were similar in what I was looking for, but the first was non-refundable and only $5 cheaper, I chose the latter.  I considered the $5 to be insurance.

In my ongoing saga of constantly feeling a tad bit behind with technology and yet wanting it to be super efficient, I didn’t want to have to check my Facebook page all the time.  I wanted it to *tell* me about my friend’s status updates.  So here is what I did.

First, I have a twitter account, and I installed twhirl so that my friend’s twitter updates pop up on my screen - discreetly - and then go away.  I can easily take a look at what happened while I was gone by opening a window.

But then everyone moved to Facebook and I felt boring because I was never updating my status or whatever it is called.   So, first, I made it so my twitter updates would show up on Facebook by adding a simple Facebook application: http://apps.facebook.com/twitter

Next I wanted to see my friend’s updates….so I followed these instructions, which unfortunately had a few glitches.  First, they reference the “minifeed” in facebook which no longer exists.    So instead, you’ll want to follow Facebook’s new instructions for generating your feeds.    Second, they say to use your main twitter ID to post your own Facebook updates to your twitter feed.  Apparently with the new Facebook feeds, there is a lot more data there, and everything on your wall, or at least way too much (e.g., “SoandSo has accepted your friend request”) was getting posted to my twitter stream which was annoying.   So, I routed all of that through my “dummy” twitter account which means that my twitter friends won’t see it all, just me.

Then, to post any status updates I type into Facebook as twitter updates, I used http://fb2twitter.com/ .

So now that you are all lost - here is the end result:

- I can post from twitter, twhirl, Facebook, and even Jott (now that is a complete ‘nother story) and it updates both twitter and Facebook; plus, I don’t have to go to Facebook to see all my friend’s updates - they show up on my desktop.  (I’m too cheap and too old I suppose, to have them show up as text messages on my cell

For the last 2 weeks I’ve been meaning to experiment with Gluten-Free banana and/or squash bread.  Today, I decided to bite the proverbial bullet as I stared at my poor sad little yellow squash and wrinkled apples, the last of my summer CSA share (other than the intensely spicy celery, which the guinea pigs are sloooowly making their way through).

I looked through all kinds of GF recipes on the web, and all of them seemed to be comprised primarily of sugar.  Finally, I branched out and found this recipe by Elise, and modified it to fit the ingredients I had.  The result was excellent.  My son and hubby both thought they were as good as or better than wheat muffins I’ve made in the past.

Here’s what I used.  These are called “Kitchen Sink” muffins based on the ole’ “Everything but the kitchen sink” saying; you basically can use whatever vegies/fruit combination you have, and whatever add-ins appeal to you, and adjust the liquid accordingly.  For the flour, experiment with whatever brand of GF flour mix you have; the one I have is no longer in production.

Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C). In a large bowl, mix together or beat the sugar, eggs, and vanilla. Add melted butter and mix thoroughly, then stir in shredded fruit/vegetables.  In a separate bowl, whisk together dry ingredients. Add these dry ingredients to the wet mixture. If needed, add a bit more flour or milk until batter is a thick gloppy paste. Fold in the add-ins.

Put muffin papers into pan. Use a spoon to fill the muffin cups close to top edge. Bake on the middle rack until toothpick comes clean, about 25 to 30 minutes.

I recently participated in a swap of altered coasters through The Creative Underground.  We haven’t seen the final creation yet, but here’s a sneak peek at my contributions:

Front: Skinny Dip is part of the original coaster, which was part of the swap instructions.  The background was stamped and collaged out of crumpled tissue paper. The diver and words “Dive In” are printed on vellum, sealed with Diamond Glaze, and collaged on.  The beads for the splash were attached with Diamond Glaze.

Back: The flipflops are again part of the original design; The saying was printed on regular paper and then rinsed to create a more subtle effect.  The woman’s necklace was attached with Diamond Glaze while still on the string and then the string was removed.

I wanted to collage with an image printed on vellum, looking for that soft, image through the vellum look, but quickly ran into snags.  First, the color would run when I applied the collage glue (I was using Mod Podge, and had already run out for more supplies so didn’t want to find a waterproof collage medium).  Second, the vellum would curl as soon as it hit the liquid.  I tried rinsing the image, but too much of the color was washed away.  I finally found the following technique.

First, print your images in reverse onto vellum if you will have it show through from the back.  Print extras for test copies.  Let this dry completely.

Next, before cutting out your images, cover the ink with a layer of Diamond Glaze or SU Crystal Effects, and let dry.  Then cut out the images.  If there are parts you would like to have faded, experiment with leaving them uncovered, and rinsing thoroughly in water to see what effect you get.

Take your cut out images and soak in cold water while you prepare your collage canvas.  At first they will curl into tight balls; after a few minutes they will relax into limp pieces.   Don’t over soak or your Diamond Glaze will wash off and the ink will begin to run. Now they are ready to collage.

After applying your collage elements, if you still have curling or wrinkling around the edges that you don’t care for, cover the image with plastic wrap or a piece of a plastic bag (the one that all of the supplies came in worked well :), and roll with a brayer to flatten.

Results may vary; I have only tried this with one printer and type of vellum, specified below.  You can also use this the Diamond Glaze to project paper images for right-side-up collage.

Materials used:

• HP c7200 Photosmart printer with regular ink
• Inkjet Vellum (from Office Depot)
• SU Crystal Effects
• Mod Podge Matte

Pictures coming soon

I did it! I made it to the top of Horsetooth Rock today (including 45 minutes of yoga in the middle which saved me). I’m so proud of myself (but also exhausted). It was *tough* - I’m probably not going to be able to walk tomorrow

We left at 7am and got back at 10:40, and that was with a fairly fast pace.

We didn’t actually do our Yoga on the rock - we did it about 2/3 of the way up the trail. This was for effect

I’ve been talking about it for years.  I interviewed my family months ago.  And finally, I have actually started to write.

The oddest thing is happening.  You know when you read a book after having read the back cover, or having heard some of the punchline you shouldn’t have, and you are reading eagerly wondering when some event will happen and how?

That’s how it feels writing.  My memory is not great, so as I’m listening to the interviews with my mom, I know there is juicy stuff coming, though I can’t quite remember what it is.  Similarly, with my own memories.  I will recall something I’ve not remembered or thought about in years, and then the memory will end, like having to close the book mid-chapter.   It’s tantalizing and yet frustrating.

I wish I could write as fast as I read!

We’ve decided to do an at-least 3 week trial of being gluten-free. (Only for my son and I). We’ve been gearing up for it for a couple months…and oddly, it’s almost anti-climatic now because there are so many substitutes available.

Today I was looking around at restaurants since a friend invited him to Chick-fil-a, which, surprisingly to me, has a gluten-free menu. My son’s response? “No, it’s really not all that healthy. I’ll stay home and have something that is tasty and healthy too.” (Apparently, buying the gluten-free, chocolate covered donuts was a very strategic move on my part. They are fabulous, by the way, although probably not healthy at all. Shhh - don’t tell, we have to do this in stages).

I thought I would collect some of my “finds” here. Note that these are often pretty far outdated - but they will at least give a general idea.

One tip I saw somewhere was always ask for the gluten-free menu - even if you know what is on it. They do prepare it differently sometimes.

Gluten-Free Dining Out: Is it Safe?

Taco Del Mar Wheat-Free/Gluten-Free Items (2004)

Wendy’s

Denny’s

Carrabba’s Italian Grill

Boston Market :: Restaurant :: Nutrition :: Make Your Meal (Note: ingredients and allergens, not an actual menu).

Cold Stone Creamery

Outback Steakhouse

Chick-Fil-A (click on nutrition, then on gluten)

The water of the recently-filled lake shimmers in the morning sun, and despite the crust of sand and dirt on my kayak, my heart swells. Something in me calms and rests as I pull out with soft paddle strokes. I decide to go east this morning, instead of away from the sun as I usually do, in order to get a closer look at a shadow - what might be swans or brown pelicans. They are “just” backlit versions of the usual white pelicans, but are beautiful nonetheless and one lets me get close enough to see the black on his undersides. A great white skeleton of a tree looms along the shore, it’s size doubled by it’s reflection. It’s stunning, though I’m disappointed that no wildlife is using it as a perch. However, around the next bend is a cluster of four roosting white pelicans. All I needed was patience. I regret not bringing a camera. It’s the stuff that inspires writers and artists, both of which I see myself as in theory though reality seems to constantly in the way. A passing thought occurs to me - if only I could write while I was in the kayak.

As I paddle back, almost ready to rejoin the world, I start to wonder how it is I’ve done no writing other than blogging, while saying it is one of the main activities I want to focus on. A constant and never-ending wave of tasks and responsibilities looms over me. It feels futile to fight the tide, and to be honest, I’m getting tired of strategies that get me excited but don’t seem to help, and therefore never last (of course).

I do know I “waste” a lot of time. Yet, there is only so efficient one can be, and how does one judge importance? Should I resist the urge to sit and stare at the multitude of butterflies that my son has raised, in order to clean the house? Should I forego wine and chocolate with friends, over the discussion of a thought-provoking book? Both strategies would feel unfair and counterproductive. (How can one be a writer without pondering the beauty in butterflies and discussing books?)

I also do quite a bit to take care of myself. I have to, out of self-preservation. Perhaps, though, there can be some efficiency and balance found there, as I do often berate myself for staying out longer than meets my needs. Time spent on email is another area that both brings me important things and also has a lot of waste that could perhaps be reclaimed.

(As I return to the car I see a man going for a morning walk while conducting business on his cell phone. Already forgetting that I was just thinking of something along the same lines, it seems ludicrous at first and I have a moment of judgment before the empathy kicks in).

What I do know is that trying to solve this problem completely before starting on the next, of becoming a writer, is very unlikely to be feasible. Somehow, despite how much I would like the world to work in well-defined and completable parts, I need to find my balance within what is.