Eating That Elephant

One of the biggest concepts I’ve been pondering on lately  is the idea that children are great just as they are, and how to integrate this idea with helping them grow at the same time.

Some of us went to a talk by Jonathan Mooney recently (a fabulous speaker) and he emphasized how normal is an illusion based on a “norm” that often doesn’t make sense, and how children should be celebrated for who they are rather than pushed to be otherwise. It very much hit home for me. So what if my 5th grader is not ready to stay overnight at a camp? It doesn’t mean he won’t be able to when he is ready. Heck, this speaker stretched my understanding even further. As parents we often console ourselves with the thought that “well, he won’t be needing this by the time he goes off to college”. That argument, I find, is starting to get a little stretched as the teen years loom. But as Mooney points out, we don’t all have to be good at everything. His mother helped him spell check his papers in college and now his wife spell-checks his books (as he is dyslexic). Even as a Honors graduate in English Lit from an Ivy League school, he doesn’t really need to know how to spell.

But I especially find this concept difficult with a child that struggles with a lot of anxiety and depression. I don’t think accepting him for who he is means watching him suffer, yet how can you help a child through this without sending the message that something needs fixing, something is broken? And what if the child *says* something needs fixing? “You are great just as you are” only goes so far when one is never invited to birthday parties and one’s best friend goes to them almost weekly.

Perhaps there is no clear answer on this – perhaps it is just one of those lines that requires constant balance.

Fruit loops have a long history in my life and it seems to have come full circle. I grew up on a “commune” so most everything was home-grown. However, when I would visit my grandmother each summer, I would stay an extra couple weeks and travel back by myself. It is one of the highlights of my childhood.

I don’t know how Fruit Loops became something I craved. My parent’s rule was that I not have sweetened cereal, but others were OK. We reached a happy compromise with Honey-Nut Cheerios. At the time, I thought I had pulled one over on my Grammie, convincing her that they weren’t nearly as sweetened as others and that at least it was honey (yeah…riiiiight); looking back, I have to wonder if she just thought the rule was silly, just like the one about not eating meat, of which she let me have as much as I wanted and never told my parents.

Nevertheless, Fruit Loops became a symbol for me, for a while. Given my poor memory, I was surprised when as an adult, my cousins gave me a huge box of Fruit Loops for my birthday. I was very touched. 7 years later, I suggested to my 10 year old son that Fruit Loops would be something I would like for my birthday – a special treat that I would never buy as a staple, but something I would slowly eat and treasure.

Last night I spoke to him on the phone while at Gramma’s. (Unfortunately, he’s only there for one night; not two weeks). They had gone shopping, to get milk and cheese. Somehow, they ended up with ice cream cones and Fruit Loops. She figured since I had gotten them for my birthday, they must be OK.

After my initial consternation, which I was careful to keep to myself, I let it go and said he had to have protein at the same time, and only a small bowl. (Luckily he doesn’t react to food dye, only blood sugar swings). It took me a few minutes to realize that we’ve come full circle, and that in a way, convincing Gramma to buy sweetened cereal against the parent’s wishes must be some sort of rite of passage in our family.

Insidious Praise

She’s dying inside
Not sure how to cope
The fear bubbles up and over

Will I get through today
Why am I here
What is wrong with me

The anxiety keeps her docile
The adrenaline, awake
No-one sees the pain

“She seems fine”, they say
And in little bits, she is
But there is a cost

“Just try your best!”
Well, what if you already are
And still it’s not enough

She gives it all she’s got
Just to get through
Those around her beam and smile

They don’t really see her
And of course they never ask
They see what they want to see

“You’re doing so much better!”
The words make her cringe
And pull further inside

Praise cuts like a knife,
When it’s counter to what’s real
Widens the isolation gap

Would concern be so hard?
But they have their own fears
So everyone keeps plugging on

It’s Monday again
Where did the weekend go?
She’ll do her best, it’s what she does

Copyright 2007, Lisa Stroyan

So I’m really going to do it. I’m going to be a speaker at a conference and get paid and everything.

I think it really hit me how real it was about the end of last week. I spent 3 days in a virtual fetal position trying to get myself to make progress on my slides and speech, but it came together.

I did it as a sample presentation to our local API group. The main comment was that I rushed a LOT. Who, me? haha. I’ve been busily putting in

Well, I was supposed to be cleaning out my inbox (I got from 400 to 340…and that is just the email that comes straight to me). But I ended up creating a bookstore instead. If you are curious:

http://astore.amazon.com/empathic-20/

Anything ideas for things I should add?

Hey are any of you watching “Moms On the Road: Africa”? It’s a reality show on the Travel channel where 8 moms who have never been outside the US travel to Africa. If so, Amy W is my friend from the UU church. Talk about a life change. She went to Africa for 7 weeks, came out of the closet on national TV (and probably even more of an impact, in a long interview in a local paper), went from homeschooling her 3 girls to having them in full-time charter school, split from her DH, has an apartment, etc….see if you can catch the show.

Wands This summer I had a group of children over to do “The Stroyan’s summer school of magic” a la HP. These are the wands we made on the first day…it was a good exercise for my son as he was thinking everything had to be “authentic” (meaning the feathers on the outside would not be OK) but he got over it 🙂

Mine is the second from the end…it has a gold-embossed handle and a peacock feather gently winding around it, and the whole thing has a light coating of gold glitter spray.

A friend commented on a local list how much more delightful her (recently annoying) children were when she fed them and make sure they got enough sleep!

We’ve recently found out that DS has chronically low energy levels – he’s literally running on adrenaline (corresponds to the “not enough rest”) and his body is eating his own muscles for protein (obviously the “well-fed” part) despite adequate intake.

It seems that almost all of his issues – severe anxiety, moods, etc – can be traced back to this basic issue (which is quite complicated once you get into the “why” of it). After a summer of pumping him full of supplements (currently 33 pills/packets/etc total each day, poor child) we are having so many more good days than poor ones – and the poor ones are almost always an impending illness or a sleep disturbance. It’s so nice to see – to just be around! (I wish some of you that came last night had been at the plant exchange – talk about night and day!! At the beginning of the summer he couldn’t even come out into the yard for a party he had helped plan, due to anxiety…and he was so upset about it….last night he was a social butterfly, showing off his guinea pigs and fetching candles so the bugs wouldn’t eat us 🙂

It’s really eye opening…my whole business is based on the philosophy that kids (people!) are doing the best they can with what they’ve got…but there were parts of me that still didn’t quite “get it” until this summer. Ooooh, he’s *not* being rude because I’ve failed as a parent, it’s because he’s drained down to nothing. Get him feeling better and he is a sweetheart. Ooooh, when he says he “can’t” walk back to the table and clear his dishes, he really feels that way, he’s not just trying to be lazy – get him feeling better and he makes me lunch 🙂 Etc.

I’m still really nervous about school though….I’m afraid we will just not be able to keep up and balance all of the stress and exhaustion with supplements and I wish he had more of a reserve built up. I asked him if he was almost ready for school to start, and he said no, he thinks about 5 months of summer would be just right. Smart kid…the way things are going, I wouldn’t mind another month myself!

My summer garland pieces are finally finished, photographed, and delivered!

I wanted to capture the spirit of summer which for me, at least, had to include flowers! Mine are made with flowers from my garden, including miniature pansies, yarrow, lobelia, thyme and lavender. The “vase” is made of marbled and stamped polymer clay. I had so much fun making them!

Painting the boards:Back (before stamping):

Front:

Front detail:

All 31 finished!