Eating That Elephant

I’ve had this happen before. Dreams. Too many vibrant dreams. They come crowding in at 2 am, like annoying chattering children that are trying to make sense of long drawn out stories but never quite get it right. By dawn I’m waking up every half hour, trying to brush them away and regain my hold on reality, only to have new ones attack me just as I’m falling back asleep. The line between reality and dream gets blurrier and blurrier as my attempts to make the dreams go away become part of the dreams themselves.

I finally give up and pull myself out of bed, looking for the peace of a quiet mind, and my head is filled with alternate realities that don’t make sense. I almost never remember my dreams…all of my life most of my dreams have been wispy, fragmented, shadowed versions of stories that last only seconds. The occasional vivid dream would stay with me like a strange book I had read, but it was rare. But now, these pesky ones cloud my memory with truths that never happened.

Now I’m exhausted. I don’t want to live two lives at once, especially when one never makes sense. I’m taking GABA and a combo with melatonin, valerian, and theanine; it makes no difference whether I take them or not. I’ve tried not having caffeine after my regular morning coffee, and I’ve tried not having any alcohol; neither made a difference. In the past I’ve had luck with tryptophan but it hasn’t seemed to do much this time, probably because I used to have trouble when going to sleep, and now it’s later in the night. Maybe I’ll try a ton of melatonin, working up slowly. I’d rather not take a sleeping pill; I’m so sensitive to things like that. Ideas are welcome, though.

Over two years ago, I asked a group of friends for movie suggestions to watch with my (then) 11 year old. I was about to ask the same question again, and realized that wouldn’t be very nice when I never compiled the original list as I had promised (though we did use some of the suggestions). Still, I would love any additions you have.

My new focus (what I would like to expand the list to include; this list was “just for fun”) is “Entertaining movies that a 13 year old ought to be exposed to for the sake of cultural knowledge”. (We’re only at PG-13 right now, but if they are R rated, I’ll just save them for a couple years). You know how someone makes a joke, and I never get it because I can’t remember the movie (or anything else for that matter…)? I don’t want him to suffer that fate, and this is one little way I can slip in a bit of “cultural education” into our homeschooling. (Shhh, don’t tell him that). But movies that are just great entertainment are good too.

So before you read the list, think about this – what movies have really made an impact for you? What movies do you think would be important for a liberal, independent-minded young man to see? Then add them in the comments and I’ll (eventually) add them to my list.

Akeelah and the Bee
Bring It On
Cave of the Yellow Dog
Charley Chan movies
Elf
ET
Flight of the Navigator
Groundhog’s Day
Flight of the Mimsy
Kids in the Hall (preview first)
Labrynth
Legally Blonde
Monty Python Flying Circus
Legend
Mask of Zorro, The
Master of Disguise
Men in Black
National Treasure and the sequel
Pink Panther (w/Peter Sellers), The
Pirates of the Carribean
Pixar films
Pursuit of Happiness
Raiders of the Lost Arc
Remember the Titans
Secret Garden, The
Secret of Roan Innish, The
Sinbad
Stick It
Strictly Ballroom
Touching Wild Horses
Whale Rider
Zoom

I wrote this post at the end of August. I think I can finally post it now…

I keep thinking I will write an email to some people, notably our doctor and a support group that I may have outgrown, saying that our son is doing great. But then another part of me says, “don’t jinx it! You know better than that!!!”  My son would say I’m being superstitious.

For those of you that don’t know us that well or follow my blog, which is probably most of you since Facebook has revolutionized the art of sharing blogs with your 300 best friends since I wrote most of the older stuff, suffice it to say this kid doesn’t have the easiest path in life.  It’s not the hardest, either – as I remind him frequently he is incredibly lucky in so many ways, not the least of which is to have us as parents.  (Yes, I get that, and am not ashamed to admit it –nor to occasionally bonk him over the head with that fact when needed).

The thing is, there is this strange dichotomy in my approach to thinking about his future.  First, I’ve become an expert at trusting that he will pick up the skills he needs, on his own schedule, or at least trusting that enough not to panic in the moment .  This trust had to be built over time (with a fair number of freak-outs along the way).   There were times I wondered if he would ever get dressed on his own, shower more than once a month (you think I’m joking, don’t you?), make his own food, or any number of things.  And, somehow, though perhaps later than everyone else and with lots of stress all around, he is doing those things.   So I diligently (and with lots of mistakes), apply this trust to knowing he will someday have a job he will enjoy, an education that will be sufficient in some way or another, and relationships that are at least semi-functional.

But on the other side of the coin, whenever there is progress, I’ve learned not to get attached to it, even as I continue to push forward and do everything in my power to help line up the stars for this kid. I don’t count on good days predicting more good days, because it’s so hard for both of us when it backslides, and as you know progress is never even and steady.   And sometimes, I try to avoid those inevitable dips with superstition.   I mean, if everything goes downhill for the next week who is to say if it was running out of B6 and phosphytidalcholine or adding extra hydroxy-B12?  Maybe what really was the cause was this blog post!  (Especially if changing those things back doesn’t bring an upswing, which is usually how it goes with us).

But the truth is, he is really, truly, doing well compared to a couple of years ago, even to last year. He is handling a rather full schedule of activities (though not half as grueling as school, undoubtedly); he is becoming more and more self-sufficient by the week; and he is growing up to be a well-spoken, almost (do I dare say it and tempt fate?) even-tempered young man.  We have made much progress and discoveries on the medical path, and I’m allowing a part of myself to hope that he will overcome this completely someday.

One of the things I’m also learning, at what seems like a horridly slow pace, is to trust myself. Trust that I can deal with whatever comes tomorrow, even if it’s not what I was expecting.  I’m learning to trust my gut when it gives me good information. And if superstition helps me with that, perhaps there is nothing wrong with that.  So I think perhaps, I’ll write this but not publish it quite yet.  Let’s see what the day brings, first.

(Since I wrote that, we did indeed have a few dips into difficulty – but we’ve pulled through each time. It’s all about trust, I think….)

Hitting “Publish” now.

For some reason, this summer I have been obsessed with clouds.  I think we are having one of the best cloud summers ever in Colorado. A best friend has started calling me “cloud girl”. I’m really not sure why this preoccupation came about, though I’ve always liked clouds, or at least since I painted them all over my son’s ceiling when he was 5. I remember then that suddenly, what was just background noise popped and became a constantly changing diorama of inspiration.

Painting makes you notice.  Suddenly you stop seeing just the big picture and you see the details of what you are trying to capture.  Recently I’ve found the same is true of writing. It’s impossible to try to capture what you aren’t paying attention to. Perhaps that is why I’m so entranced by clouds this summer.  Perhaps I’m finally paying attention – to life, to where I am, and not just to where I’m putting my feet. (Yeah, we’ll see how long it will last 🙂 ).

The clouds are never the same.  I’m sitting outside on my deck, and there are new clouds compared to ten minutes ago when I sat down. They were light and fluffy, but the big gray one with little color differentiation has moved around from my peripheral vision into the front. I like change, in general.  I’m the proverbial butterfly as all my friends know.

Of course, what I like is movement, preferably aesthetic, not upheaval.   (I’m eying that dark cloud suspiciously, and wouldn’t be very happy it if started raining on me). I happen to be in a good point in my life right now that paying attention is easy.  Sometimes when the proverbial big gray cloud comes around, and there really isn’t any detail to see, it’s hard to keep paying attention.  I get that.

But looking down isn’t going to change what cloud is above you.  One of my favorite therapists (yes, I have more than one favorite therapist, and yes, I really do sometimes need more than one) used to say, when you don’t know what else to do, just look up.  Physically, look up. There is something about looking above the horizon that helps our outlook, both literally and metaphorically.

So whatever you would like to do, but aren’t actually doing, try paying attention and see what happens.  Pay attention to the clouds for a while.  Sit with a cup of coffee and see if you can just be with them for a while.  (I lasted 5 minutes. I’ll try for 6 tomorrow).

And if what you want to do is write (because it is, for so many of us), just start. Writing doesn’t always take us where we want to go.  I’ve had a big revelation lately – if I want to know how I feel about something, I just start writing.  Today, I noticed the clouds (for the several-hundredth time) and as I started self-justifying my obsession in my head, I thought, “Huh. What’s that about?”  All I started with was, “this summer I have been obsessed with clouds.”  That’s really all I had. (Oh, and a resolution to write a little something every morning, and a lack of inspiration about what I had planned to write about).  The rest was sitting there waiting for me to find it once I started writing.  A lot of things about life are like that, I think.

Pay attention, and then just start.  Let they journey take you where it will.

Oh, yeah, I guess then I have to just follow my own advice, and just hit Publish.  Hmmm, maybe I’ll watch the clouds a little more first….

I’ve decided to change the way I eat for a few weeks. After that, we’ll see. I write this with some trepidation, though; it’s seems every time I tell people I am embarking on a new way of eating, I quickly abandon it, as though the commitment itself gets in my way. I’ve not figured out why, but rather am just determined not to let it happen this time, and everyone’s support means a lot to me, so I’m going to risk it.

The main idea is that I’m cutting out certain foods from my diet completely for a while. I know this is counterintuitive. Deprivation, and all that…but I think that not having some strict structure really backfires for me, somehow, especially around sugar. I’m starting to think that for me, having a little sugar is feeding my addiction to it, screwing up my blood sugar, and messing up my willpower to stop at just a little. And, it’s not like I have been eating all kinds of junk. I’ve had a fairly healthy diet for a while, just with the more-than-occasional hit of sugar, sushi, pasta, or one leading to the other 🙂

I know from experience that going lowfat would help me lose weight…but I don’t think my hormones are up to that stress right now, so I’m going to try this first. Here’s the plan.

– Focus on grassfed, organic meats, eggs, vegetables, and high-quality dairy
– Eliminate sugar and processed grains
– Eliminate all hydrogenated oils and highly processed oils
– Eliminate additives and artificial sweeteners
– Avoid potatoes except sweet potatoes and those I get from my CSA
– Keep whole fruit, coconut flour, quinoa, and some other ancient grains (black rice perhaps, maybe soaked oats later)
– Allow small amounts of honey, dried fruit, nuts, and nut butters
– Use coconut oil, olive oil, and grass-fed butter, avoid all other (seed) oils

I welcome questions about foods I have not thought of and how they might fit in, especially if you are considering doing this yourself.   If you are curious why I’m going with an animal product based diet versus low fat or vegetarian, or you wonder why I would use butter and not canola oil for example, look at websites such as www.westonaprice.org, http://realmilk.com, or do a search for “paleo diet with dairy”.  Honestly, though, this is a divided issue and both sides can find research to support their case; right now, I’d rather not debate the various camps.

My belief is that everyone’s genetics, personality, and values are different so there is no one right way for everyone – I have no vested interest in this being the “right” way for anyone else. The same request applies to those that would question whether going on a strict “diet” is the right way to approach weight loss or whether weight loss should be the goal – it may not be your goal or your approach, but trust me, I’ve been around the block a few times.  I know the arguments, and I’m comfortable with my strategy at this point.  (And if you think this is dangerous for me, I’ll just mention my blood pressure is way too low already; I’m not planning to send my body into ketosis due to the fruits and healthy grains; and I’m only talking about 2-3 weeks here).

Recently, some books and resources have been recommended to me, plus I have a list I like and this is as good a place to collect them as any.  I’ve not read many of these.

– Nourishing Traditions: The Cookbook that Challenges Politically Correct Nutrition and the Diet Dictocrats by Sally Fallon
– Eat Fat, Lose Fat: The Healthy Alternative to Trans Fats by Mary Enig
– Potatoes not Prozac and The Sugar Addict’s Total Recovery Program by Kathleen DesMaisons
– The Mood Cure by Julia Ross

– Women Food And God by Geneen Roth
– Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon
– Suicide by Sugar by Nancy Appleton
– Sugar Blues by William F. Duffy
– http://www.squidoo.com/sugar-free-halloween

I welcome anyone that would like to to join me.  Thanks to all for your support (and trust that I am capable and smart enough to not hurt myself even if you think I’m a bit wacko :).

Lisa

I’m sitting at my computer with the sun streaming through the frigid air outside and into my warm room, sipping coffee brought to me from across the ocean by a friend, it’s rich flavor blunted by local raw cream and a bit of honey. The dichotomies of life seem harsh and stark today.

The world seems off-kilter, tilted, like the deck of a boat in uncertain weather. The thoughtless routine of daily life goes on, and yet it seems ever more important to elude it’s pull. And to find meaning; if not outside of that routine, then somehow within it.

I’m eating my local organic eggs with a mango, which I see (after scrounging the label from the trash in curiosity) is from Peru. And I’m remembering a sustainable local dinner provided by a lovely vibrant woman, a woman who would embrace my mango from Peru and yet, also inspire me to notice, to appreciate, to live with awareness and conscious choice. A woman who is suddenly gone. Somehow I just can’t find the meaning in that, quite yet. But I can sip my coffee with awareness and appreciation, and I can give out unconditional love, and that will have to be enough for now.

Just wanted to share these cards that I completed last weekend, after stamping with my friend Charly and getting one of her paper packs.  I used extra basic ivory cardstock for some of the card bases, so I ended up with 4 extra patterned papers and 1 cardstock, and still got a nice set of cards that didn’t take very long.

Quick and Fun cards

So I linked up my blog to Facebook and it posted my almost exactly 1-year-old post “Icy Roads” as a “new” update and freaked out my friends, so I guess it’s a sign that I need something more recent!

My health has improved a lot over the last year.  I’m back to functional again, though once in a while I hit a slick spot and land on my butt for a while, but for the most part, the grass is looking greener and greener even on my side of the fence 🙂

For those wondering, I never did get a specific diagnosis, but the overall problem is hormone depletion and below that, is the heavy metal poisoning that I’ve known about for years and just haven’t gotten around to treating as it’s a long, arduous process.  The dizzy spells were fixed by supplemental DHEA and pregnenalone, both OTC but at your own risk etc, and some of the fatigue was fixed by Armour thyroid.  Then I shore up my system with a bunch of other stuff.

For the first several months, the supplements barely kept me afloat, but over time they really have gotten me back to a state of “normal” – perhaps not the “normal” I was used to, but a new one that is still a good place to be.  I now even can miss them for a few hours and not notice a huge drop.

Exercise other than short-and-mild still takes more out of me than it “should”, and I get angry about that still sometimes, and the weight I’ve gained in trying to build up my health bugs the heck out of me.  It’s funny how, when it felt like everything was  falling apart, I could recognize and appreciate the little progress and not fret over the less critical stuff, but now that I’ve made a lot of progress, I feel greedy – I should be able to exercise AND have a functional day where I get a lot done AND lose weight.

But for the most part, I’ve accepted my new level of functionality and things are going well.  I had plenty of time as a Type A – there are advantages to learning to let that go.  And, mainly, when I look back at where I was a year ago, I’m very grateful.   Very grateful.

I’ve been struggling with my health for weeks and it seems to be getting worse; my ability to explain it is slowly leaking away.  I’ve been trying to come up with an analogy of what my brain feels like. Sometimes, the words come out garbled, even reading a line of text, and I’m so distracted that if I don’t watch out I’m off on another topic entirely.

How does one describe having no energy but yet not being tired? Feeling “wrong” but not feeling sick? Especially when one’s brain is the problem in the first place and expected to do that thinking.

What I do know is that the internal feelings seems eerily connected and similar to the external symptoms that my son has struggled with for years. I find myself not wanting to get off the couch and attend to basic things, and wonder if that is what he feels like. I reach for thoughts that are no longer there and try to force out words that slip away like eels or change into the wrong words, and I recall all the times where at his worst, he wouldn’t even speak. A song with static plays while I try to read text, and I want to scream from the chaos.   I recall his reaction to me talking too much – he screams at me to shut up.  I’m 40, though, so I don’t.

The best I have come up with is the feeling of driving on icy roads. At first, the snow fell gently and lightly; it got in the way of my thinking but I could brush it aside, and normal operations of my brain felt like driving on soft snow that fell on dry ground. There is a surreal feeling; things aren’t quite the way I’m used to, but it’s fine, even pretty. In fact I’ve taken substances that make me feel this way, only this time I’ve not had anything to drink and yet feel a bit as if I have. Like driving on snow, everything works, you just take it a bit slower and try to enjoy the scenery. Most of the time, my mental road all feels fine and working. Then I put on the brake and for a second it just doesn’t do anything. I think, “I did put on the brake, right?” and then suddenly I feel myself slowing, back in control, wondering if anything unusual actually happened. When driving on snow, you pay more attention – slowly you realize all the times where the tires slip, just a little, but you don’t know for sure. Maybe it is your imagination…it feels fine right now.

Lately, though the mental roads are getting icy and slick. At times my brain can’t hold a thought from the sink to the fridge. Oh, I’m used to this – but usually it’s because I am driving too fast. I’m thinking of 10 things, and what to put in my tea is lowest of the list and so it takes a while for the gears to click in and bring it to the surface. But when my only task in the moment is making tea, I don’t expect black ice between the sink and the fridge. My coordination is off, and I need a wider road during those times. I reach for something and my hands don’t quite land where I put them. I look at the writing on my three out of four vials of spit for the lab test, and I see the writing decline over the course of the day. Yet, still, I tell myself it’s not a big deal – I probably just rested that one with the pretty handwriting on the table. Until I try that with the fourth, and am shaken when my name comes out stilted and jumpy.

I live in Colorado and the weather here varies not just from month to month, but from day to day and hour to hour. I should be used to this but I’m tired of having Colorado weather in my head. Earlier this week, my mental roads were very snowpacked and icy, and I was starting to panic. I laid down to read, and fell asleep. Though it took me an hour to clear the sleep from my head, I then had 5 hours of perfect clarity – exactly like a typical Colorado winter day once the snow has started to melt because the sun has come out. Then after a stressful situation, I could feel the snow in my head start to fall, like a blanket, obscuring everything I was trying to think about and even making my hands slippery and awkward on the keyboard.

Today has dawned sunny and bright, but with high winds – both literally and figuratively. The clouds on the horizon are fuzzy and tenuous, but the clouds in my head are starting to billow and threaten. It will be interesting to see what weather the future brings.

I wrote this for a group that we’re meeting in OH, and thought I would share it here.  Please let me know any thoughts on how to improve this 🙂

I thought I would share my process to find a good hotel, which for the most part I’ve had good luck with.

Once I find an area that people recommended or that I had researched, I look it up in google maps, and then type “hotels” in the “search” or “search nearby…” boxes.  Then I look at the reviews in the popup for each of entries on the first 1-2 pages (by clicking on the name in the list).     You have to take the review ratings with a bit of a grain of salt.  People are rating the hotel based on what *they* paid – so often more expensive places will get worse reviews than they would merit for the price you might find, or vice versa.   Plus one negative score can pull the average way down for a silly complaint, or there can be out of date reviews.  (E.g., reviews from 2005 complaining about renovation noise or dirty/old furnishings when the hotel has been renovated since and later reviews are great).    So I actually read the reviews of each place.  Despite all this, the reviews mainly are very helpful and spot-on.

Finally once I have narrowed it down to a few, I pop the names of places I am considering into TripAdvisor and have it check all the online reservation systems (Orbitz, Expedia, Travelocity, etc) for the best rates, which vary greatly by service.   Don’t just look at the nightly rate – look at the final rate.  The trick is that each service adds in it’s own search fee into the “Taxes and Fees” category (they don’t break it out, but you can see the difference when you compare two that have the same “nightly rate” but different total cost listings).

Note that sometimes (esp midrange hotels, I found) the best rate will be from the hotel’s direct website if they have one, because they don’t usually add internet booking fees.  I believe it used to be that the internet services were cheaper, but I’m guessing that now the hotels themselves want to be competitive so they have online booking as well.  Also, it’s well worth looking at the hotel’s site for package deals.  For $10 more/night, I got the full breakfast buffet for our family.

Lastly, be sure to look at whether it is non-refundable.  It is usually a huge difference in price between non-refundable and standard (e.g., $79/night vs. $119 or $129/night), because you pay the entire cost up front and can’t change it.  Given the possibility of weather issues in the winter, when I found two hotels that were similar in what I was looking for, but the first was non-refundable and only $5 cheaper, I chose the latter.  I considered the $5 to be insurance.